Karkataka
or
How the Crab Got Its Knees
By
Jeremy Edwards
or
How the Crab Got Its Knees
By
Jeremy Edwards
After scratching her head and other places, Woman-Woman had an idea. ‘Please hand me one of those special, elongated persimmons that grow around here,’ she said to Man-Man. ‘Preferably a ’cessively long one, with a distinctive little nubby bit protruding near one end.’
So Man-Man handed her a special, elongated persimmon, one of ’proximately the specifications Woman-Woman had specified. Woman-Woman admitted the special, elongated persimmon into her oyster, with the distinctive little nubby bit placed just so against her; and she pushed and pulled and made faces until she felt so good that she didn’t know what to do. She screeched like the Chequered Pangolin (which is a kind of Pangolin that screeches) and laughed like the Houndstooth Mongoose (which is the only mongoose allowed to wear white shoes in the winter); and she oiled her own oyster so ’cessively much that the extra oil ran out from between her legs and drained to the mediocre Yum Yab River, because the Yab Yum River was very far away and consequently governed an entirely different watershed.
‘I have the distinct ’pression she’s done this before,’ Man-Man thought.
‘Wouldn’t it be nice,’ he said to Woman-Woman, ‘if you could have done all that while we were still lying side by side like two data points.’
‘My thoughts exactly,’ said Woman-Woman, who was not quite telling the truth, since her thoughts had been very similar but had used a few different words.
‘I know!’ said Man-Man. ‘I will visit the Tepid Rhino, who lives in the Jaded Meadow and is the only Rhino who keeps office hours in the evening. I'll ask him how to configure circumstances in which you and I can both feel so good that we don’t know what to do, at the very same time.’
Woman-Woman agreed that this was a good idea, if not p’raps a ’ceedingly good one; and Man-Man set off for the Jaded Meadow. He walked for two hours, Best Beloved! You see, the Jaded Meadow was only five minutes away, but Man-Man liked walking.
When he finally arrived at the oh-not-so-very-distant Jaded Meadow, he found the Tepid Rhino (because that’s precisely where I put him).
‘Tepid Rhino,’ said Man-Man, ‘it is I, Man-Man.’
‘Yes,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘I recognised you from the illustration. How is Woman-Woman these days?’
‘As ’ceedingly lovely as ever,’ said Man-Man. ‘In fact, she is so ’ceedingly lovely that when she and I lie beside each other like two data points, I deliver warm treacle into her oyster.’
‘This is too much information,’ complained the Rhino. ‘I was ’specting something more along the lines of “She’s fine, thank you very much.”’
‘But this is why I have come all this very short way to see you!’ said Man-Man. ‘I want to know how we can configure circumstances that will result in Woman-Woman feeling so good that she doesn’t know what to do at the same time that I feel so good that I don’t know what to do.’
‘Well then,’ said Tepid Rhino, in a tone that suggested he would get paid extra if he tossed in a well-then. ‘If that’s your wish, then you certainly don’t want to lie side by side like two data points. No, not at all,’ he added, probably because a no-not-at-all was worth almost as much on the invoice as a well-then.
‘How then, must we lie?’ asked Man-Man. ‘I do hope it’s a position in which my horn can enter her oyster, because it’s ever so much fun that way.’
‘You must not lie together like two data points, but sit together like two related concepts,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘Sit on a smooth stone or semi-ornamental hassock, Man-Man, and invite Woman-Woman to sit on your lap—preferably at the same time.’
Man-Man made some calculations in his head and drew some crude figures in the air. They were very crude, in fact. ‘But tell me, Tepid Rhino, must Woman-Woman face towards me or away from me?’
This time it was Tepid Rhino who made some calculations in his head and drew some ’ceedingly crude figures in the air. Then he shrugged—which I’m sure you know gets a line item all to itself on a Rhino's invoice. ‘Makes no difference,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘But since I’m tired of looking at you, I’m going to recommend she face the other way.’
And, even though he was tired of looking at Man-Man, Tepid Rhino sang him this song:
O! Do it on a stone—
O! Do it, not alone—
Or do it on a hassock,
And the thrill will be Jurassic!
I can’t remember the tune, but you wouldn’t have liked it.
So Man-Man handed her a special, elongated persimmon, one of ’proximately the specifications Woman-Woman had specified. Woman-Woman admitted the special, elongated persimmon into her oyster, with the distinctive little nubby bit placed just so against her; and she pushed and pulled and made faces until she felt so good that she didn’t know what to do. She screeched like the Chequered Pangolin (which is a kind of Pangolin that screeches) and laughed like the Houndstooth Mongoose (which is the only mongoose allowed to wear white shoes in the winter); and she oiled her own oyster so ’cessively much that the extra oil ran out from between her legs and drained to the mediocre Yum Yab River, because the Yab Yum River was very far away and consequently governed an entirely different watershed.
‘I have the distinct ’pression she’s done this before,’ Man-Man thought.
‘Wouldn’t it be nice,’ he said to Woman-Woman, ‘if you could have done all that while we were still lying side by side like two data points.’
‘My thoughts exactly,’ said Woman-Woman, who was not quite telling the truth, since her thoughts had been very similar but had used a few different words.
‘I know!’ said Man-Man. ‘I will visit the Tepid Rhino, who lives in the Jaded Meadow and is the only Rhino who keeps office hours in the evening. I'll ask him how to configure circumstances in which you and I can both feel so good that we don’t know what to do, at the very same time.’
Woman-Woman agreed that this was a good idea, if not p’raps a ’ceedingly good one; and Man-Man set off for the Jaded Meadow. He walked for two hours, Best Beloved! You see, the Jaded Meadow was only five minutes away, but Man-Man liked walking.
When he finally arrived at the oh-not-so-very-distant Jaded Meadow, he found the Tepid Rhino (because that’s precisely where I put him).
‘Tepid Rhino,’ said Man-Man, ‘it is I, Man-Man.’
‘Yes,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘I recognised you from the illustration. How is Woman-Woman these days?’
‘As ’ceedingly lovely as ever,’ said Man-Man. ‘In fact, she is so ’ceedingly lovely that when she and I lie beside each other like two data points, I deliver warm treacle into her oyster.’
‘This is too much information,’ complained the Rhino. ‘I was ’specting something more along the lines of “She’s fine, thank you very much.”’
‘But this is why I have come all this very short way to see you!’ said Man-Man. ‘I want to know how we can configure circumstances that will result in Woman-Woman feeling so good that she doesn’t know what to do at the same time that I feel so good that I don’t know what to do.’
‘Well then,’ said Tepid Rhino, in a tone that suggested he would get paid extra if he tossed in a well-then. ‘If that’s your wish, then you certainly don’t want to lie side by side like two data points. No, not at all,’ he added, probably because a no-not-at-all was worth almost as much on the invoice as a well-then.
‘How then, must we lie?’ asked Man-Man. ‘I do hope it’s a position in which my horn can enter her oyster, because it’s ever so much fun that way.’
‘You must not lie together like two data points, but sit together like two related concepts,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘Sit on a smooth stone or semi-ornamental hassock, Man-Man, and invite Woman-Woman to sit on your lap—preferably at the same time.’
Man-Man made some calculations in his head and drew some crude figures in the air. They were very crude, in fact. ‘But tell me, Tepid Rhino, must Woman-Woman face towards me or away from me?’
This time it was Tepid Rhino who made some calculations in his head and drew some ’ceedingly crude figures in the air. Then he shrugged—which I’m sure you know gets a line item all to itself on a Rhino's invoice. ‘Makes no difference,’ said Tepid Rhino. ‘But since I’m tired of looking at you, I’m going to recommend she face the other way.’
And, even though he was tired of looking at Man-Man, Tepid Rhino sang him this song:
O! Do it on a stone—
O! Do it, not alone—
Or do it on a hassock,
And the thrill will be Jurassic!
I can’t remember the tune, but you wouldn’t have liked it.
The libidinous fiction of Jeremy Edwards has been widely published online, as well as in some thirty-five print (and e-book and audiobook) anthologies. His work was selected for the two most recent volumes in the Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica series (and he will appear again in the forthcoming volume); he has read at the In the Flesh series in New York and the Erotic Literary Salon in Philadelphia; and he has been featured in the literary showcase of the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. Jeremy's eroto-comedic novel Rock My Socks Off will be published by Xcite Books in 2010. Readers can drop in on him unannounced (and thereby catch him in his underwear) at www.jeremyedwardserotica.com.
5 comments:
Great fiction! Love the imagery that this gives me.
I assume the tepid rhino will be send his invoice to the verily, blue centaur, who lives near the yellow racoon snake lake. The centaur is blue, coz he's d pressed coz he's neither one thing nor the other -- neither here nor there at sixes and sevens. Consequently, he's not getting any horn/oyster action.
This is all the fault of tepid rhino, and Jeremy Edwards, who made him up.
The verily blue centaur must reject the tepid rhino's invoice and I shall be writing to him forthwith and with immediate pompous effect, to tell him so.
It's superlative nonsense -- superlative coz I like that word.
Still loving the nonsense -- more please. Yes I'm verily greedy!
Thank you so much, Blogrotica and billierosie! And billierosie: LOL, yes, I take full responsibility for Tepid Rhino and his invoice. Send me a copy (keeping the beige carbon for your records), and I'll have my people take care of it. ; )
And huge thanks to you, M.C., on behalf of me and my entire menagerie!
Lol! Sweet - 'specially the warm treacle.
Now you've got me doing it too.
:-)
Thank you, Janine!
And, yes, the 'postrophe habit is even stickier than the treacle.
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